Shadows all around you as you surface from the dark
by For love of Sunflowers
Summary: Slight AU- Castiel is driven to the point at which he breaks, finally deciding the pain is too much he declares that it is time for it all to be over with. Trigger Warning: Suicide, self harm. Rated for such.


The motel bed was lumpy and hard when he fell on to it, too weak to stand any longer, though the comfort of the bed did not mean much to Castiel at this point in time. He was drunk, he thought, he had just drank yet another liquor store dry. Slowly he forced himself up and in to the bathroom, taking off the trench coat as he went letting it fall into a ball on the floor. As he stood watching himself in the mirror he found himself looking at his reflection with an immense distaste. He was, or at least he had been, an angel. Now what was he? Letting out a bitter laugh he realized he was no better than any other human, in the morning he would wake up with a hangover, that is if he woke up at all.

He still didn't know why he was cut off from heaven again, but what he did know is that the last time he had seen Dean like this Dean had been nothing but pissed at him. Dean had told Cas to get over himself, to suck it up because pain is what it meant to be a human but he couldn't comprehend how feeling like this was normal. He had seen pain in his years, he seen as humans who had been destined for Heaven then turned and headed straight to hell by committing the atrocity that he was now considering. For the first time in his life he felt tears gather in his eyes, and watched as they fell. He walked back over to where he had dropped his coat and reached into the pocket to grab his blade.

Castiel leaned up against the wall behind him, unable to stand without the assistance it gave. He rested the sword on the table next to him before slowly removing his tie and rolling up his sleeves. He could understand now why the people who he had watched do this had done so, he could understand the need to make the mental pain physical. He had never felt true physical pain before, to be honest as the seconds ticked by he grew increasingly nervous but with a deep breath he decided that this was necessary, he had to do this. He had caused so much pain and felt none, it was time now that he could that he would.

The maid was the first to find him, only moments after he had accomplished what he had been planning. Another person who was staying at the hotel heard screams and asked for someone to check in on them, and she was the one who was brave enough to look. She let out her own scream when she found him laying on the bed, bleeding heavily on the sheets. Reaching into her skirt she grabbed her phone and with shaking hands dialed 911. As she waited for them to get there she ran to the bathroom and retrieved the towels from the rack before returning to the man and applying pressure to both of his arms, trying to stop the multiple wounds from bleeding more. It didn't take long for the paramedics to arrive and as they rushed him to the hospital she followed quickly behind them. She didn't know why she felt like she had to be there for this man when he woke up, if he woke up, but she did.

It was around 6 o'clock the next night when he woke up and was declared lucid. The hospital had reached his emergency contact, someone named Dean, and had been told that he would be there in a day or two. The maid however was the first to see him when he woke up. She sat in the chair at the foot of his bed, reading a book she always kept in her car, when he opened his eyes. "Who are you, and where am I?" he asked, taking a moment to speak as he sat up in his bed.

"I'm Clara, I worked at the motel you were staying at. You're in the hospital, do you remember what happened?"

"I attempted to take my own life. It seems that I was not even successful in that."

Clara was shocked at his bluntness, but she hid the surprise well. "No, the woman staying next to you heard a scream and I was asked to check in on you to make sure you were alright. I found you and called the hospital. They've called your emergency contact, they said he should be here any time today. I just figured I'd stay until they got here. I know what it's like to wake up alone in one of these places, it's terrifying. Especially after going through something like what you went through to end up in here."

"What happened to you that ended you up in here?" He thought maybe that she had been sick and that is what ended her up in the hospital. He watched as she moved from her place in the chair and walked over to his bed, sitting on the very edge of his bed. Small hands rolled up the sleeves on her sweater revealing two large scars across her wrists.

"The same thing that landed you here."

"Why?"

"That is the question, isn't it? Honestly I don't know, and I bet if I asked you your answer would be the same. None of us who come to this points in our life really can explain why, we just feel like it's our only option. Let me let you in on a secret though that I only learned after I was lucky enough to survive my trip here, it is never the only option. It is never the only way out. Your contact, Dean, he sounded really worried about you. I don't know you, or him, but when someone is that worried about a person it means that they're important to them. You're important to Dean, I'm sure you're important to a lot of other people too." A bitter laugh cut her off. "I know it doesn't feel like it right now but it's true. You're not alone and you are important, you are special. Now, if I'm not mistaken I think your contact just got here which means it's time for me to leave. Take care of yourself." She planted a soft kiss on his head before turning and walking out of the room.

She slipped by the man who she deduced was Dean as he spoke to the Doctor before heading outside and sliding into her vehicle. Dean entered Castiel's room and a slight smile broke out onto his face as he saw that the angel was awake. "Hey, Cas. You had me scared there for a moment."

"I'm sorry, Dean. That wasn't my intention."

"Don't worry about it. Say, who was the chick?"

"Clara, she saved my life."

Dean walked over to the window that overlooked the parking lot and watched as the red-haired woman walked out of the hospital and to her car. Speaking softly as to not let Cas hear he whispered, "Thank you, Clara. I dunno what I'd do without him." He turned around after he watched her drive off and pulled the seat that she had vacated up to Cas's bed before sitting down in it, not realizing the bible she had left there was still in the chair. He sat down before pulling it out and handing it to Cas. "Looks like she left this here." Cas took it from him silently and rested the book in his lap, smiling slightly as he realized what it was.

"Tell me about your last hunt." Dean launched into a story about how he and Sam had just hunted down this nest of Vampires and not once during that day, or any day after that did Dean ask Cas why he had done what he did. Cas assumed it was because Dean did not talk about feelings, always blowing them off, but really it was because Dean had thought about doing the same thing Cas had done, and didn't want to bring up the memories of that pain. Dean never returned to that town but Cas did on one more occasion. He appeared in Clara's home one night when she was sleeping after he had his powers returned to him and layed the bible down on the nightstand next to her bed. "Thank you, Clara. There is a spot reserved in Heaven for you when you get there, but I hope not for a long time." With those words Cas disappeared. Clara would never see him again in her lifetime, but when she passed and ended up in Heaven as promised, she never did go too long without a special visitor to her place in Heaven.


End file.
